remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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