why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
