do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize