thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
