Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
