You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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