Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
