i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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