mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
