you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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