what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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