Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize