Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
sex in a hospital.. check
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I woke up under a house in Key West
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