I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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