haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
