Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
