I accidentally burped into my bong.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
