Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
