before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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