Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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