if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
