I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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