I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
