Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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