He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
