I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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