I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
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