grandma shit on top of the toilet
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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