I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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