I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
