my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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