If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
