Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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