Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
