I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
