just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
