Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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