You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
