white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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