Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
