My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Randomize
