Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
