Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
