Porn is love you can see.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Well I just put wine in my tea
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
