I puked a lego.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
