Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
