So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
