remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
