maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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