dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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