I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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