dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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