watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
