apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
