Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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