i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Randomize
