nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
