I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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