A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
pray to the hookup gods
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
