i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize